The Big Gulp.
Summer was heating up the ranch and Earl
found himself with a great thirst. He had an idea and hunted down Jessie who he
had found in the barn throwing bales of hay into the loft. The heat was intense
and Jessie was drenched, exhausted, and on the verge of delirium to the point
where he was unaware of his deteriorated condition. Earl interrupted Jessie
“Jess, let’s get out of here and go get us a Big Gulp”.
Jessie threw one last bale into the loft
before answering “Now that sounds like a fine idea Earl.”
Earl went into the bunkhouse and returned
with towels to put on the seats of the Volvo: he wasn’t about to let Jessie
dirty up his car. After he had meticulously prepared the car he summoned Jessie
and the two headed out for the 7-Eleven.
Earl
had no sooner brought the Volvo to a safe stop, at the 7-Eleven, when Jessie
bolted out of the vehicle and into the store. Earl followed suit and met Jessie
at the soda fountain. Jessie was making a concoction of Gatorade and Orange
Crush while Earl went for a straight Big Red.
Jessie backed away from the soda fountain and guzzled down his Big Gulp
in seconds. Earl watched with curiosity as Jessie re-loaded his cup with a new
concoction of Sprite and Pepsi. Earl paid the cashier and the two cowboys stood
outside the store drinking their Big Gulps. Jessie’s thirst had quenched and he
backed off of the drink for a moment “Ya know Earl” said Jessie “man, I sure am
glad we got Big Gulps down here”.
Earl thought Jessie’s wording was a bit
peculiar “What do you mean Jessie, we’ve always had them down here—shoot their
everywhere”.
“Yea I know” replied Jessie “I just
meant—ya know, New York City and all”.
“What about New York City” asked Earl
“what does it have to do with anything?”
“You didn’t hear” asked Jessie? Earl shook
his head “Mayor Bloomberg is proposing to limit the size of soda and sweet
drinks to sixteen ounces.”
“Sixteen ounces” Earl replied in
puzzlement “you can’t quench a thirst with sixteen ounces—what kind of lame brained
idea is this.”
Jessie hated to see Earl so perturbed but
he did enjoy being an authority on a matter that Earl had no idea about. “Mayor
Bloomberg says it’s to help fight the obesity epidemic.”
“Obesity” laughed Earl “what’s a big soda
water got to do with the obesity epidemic—obesity, that’s all about thyroid
glands and stuff like that?”
Jessie was inclined to point out the
relationship of elevated glucose and fat storage but he decided to pull back
and let Earl roll with it.
Earl’s agitation was swelling like the
skin under a yellow jacket sting. “I’ll tell you what Jessie—Bloomberg just a
puppet—I know who’s behind all of this.” Before Jessie could ask who, Earl
blurted out “It’s Lance Armstrong.”
“Lance Armstrong” questioned Jessie.
“Yea Lance Armstrong” continued Earl.
“This guy has been wrecking it up for people for years—I mean you can’t even
have a cigarette in downtown Austin anymore thanks to that guy.”
“But you don’t even smoke Earl” Jessie
pointed.
“That’s not the point—I mean I might want
to take it up sometime—it would be, let’s say, my prerogative. Just look at the
guy, he loathes a man, any man, with a little abdominal fat. He sits there on
that bicycle in them ridiculous shorts and just looks down on everyone. When he
sees someone smoking, he runs and cries to the government—when he sees someone
who’s a little chunky, he runs off and cries to the government. My god Jessie,
the man’s a dang crybaby—he’s a damned monster.”
Jessie thought the word monster was a bit
harsh but he wasn’t feeling as passionately about the subject as Earl was.
Jessie just shook his head “I don’t know Earl.”
Earl’s eyes took on a distant look and his
speech became almost a whisper “that’s the problem Jessie, don’t know one know
what he wants next—but whatever it is, he’ll find a way to get what he wants—he
gets his way every time.” Earl downed his Big Gulp and walked back into the
store to redeem his free refill. He filled his cup to the brim with Big Red and
walked back outside. Earl tipped up the glass and guzzled down the 52 ounce
soda, then, creating quite a spectacle, slung the ice filled cup across the
parking lot. Jessie looked crossways at Earl. Earl scowled at Jessie “What—you
don’t think Mr. Armstrong would approve of that?”
“I don’t think you would approve of that
Earl” replied Jessie.
“Don’t none of it matter no more Jessie”
said Earl as he shook his head “don’t none of it matter no more.” The two cowboys
got into the SUV and Earl drove them back to the ranch.
*
* *
Earl worked under the hot sun for the
remainder of the afternoon. At dusk he saddled up Tego and grabbed his bedroll
out of the bunkhouse. Jessie could feel Earl’s torment and tried to rationalize
with him before he rode off. “Earl, that’s all the way in New Your City—I mean,
it’s got nothing to do with us down here.”
Earl pointed off toward the North-East.
“Jessie, its gotta start somewhere before it gets here…just might take a little
longer this time.”
Jessie chuckled “Aw Earl, what makes you
think it’s gonna make it down here.”
Earl tipped his hat to Jessie. “Always
does Jessie—always does.” Earl rode west into the blaze of the setting sun. He
camped alone for three days.
